Grieving breastfeeding, WHILE breastfeeding
Dear Mother,
I see you.
You are weeping under the duvet at night, for the lost sleep you’re experiencing. The utter exhaustion, alongside confusion.
You had been waiting for this baby to arrive, with all your heart and all your being. Now they are here, you’re sometimes wondering if you deserve them. If you LOVE them enough. If you’re doing enough for them. You may even be wondering if it’s too early to do lifetime damage to them.
And perhaps the intrusive thoughts just keep haunting you, but never bad enough to label yourself. Postnatal depression? Post-traumatic stress? Postnatal psychosis? Most likely none of those.
Feeding your baby is a relentless task. It just never stops. It’s VITAL. You’re keeping your baby alive and fed. They told you it’s natural. They told you that your baby will guide you. They told you to just try a different position. They told you that just 1 bottle won’t do any harm. They told you that each day will bring improvement.
ONLY IT’S NOT HAPPENING! Not fast enough. Your nipples are still sore. Your baby is still fussing and crying at nearly every feed. You are leaking milk everywhere. You’re still crying every night when nobody can see you or hear you.
If another person tells you it’s just the 4th trimester and it shall pass by about 12 weeks, you feel like you want to swear at them and maybe even get physical towards them. I see you. You are not wrong.
You are not wrong to have intense feelings! You are not wrong to want your sleep back. You are not wrong to sometimes want to send your baby back. You are not wrong to want some time and space to yourself. This is intense!
And those of you who are wading through the thick syrup of new motherhood, without what feels like ‘progress’… I see you. Those of you who walk away from a mummy meet-up because everyone else’s baby seems to be calmer, happier and feeding more efficiently… all the other mums seem more together, getting more sleep, looking more glamorous…
Why not you? Why is your milk STILL spraying all over the place? Why is your heart STILL racing when you need to get somewhere at the right time? Why are you STILL not relaxed and organised when it comes to feeding your baby out and about? Why? Why? Why?
It can be so so challenging and exhausting when you feel like breastfeeding is not that gorgeously relaxing and meditative, nurturing, cosy and connective experience a lot of people describe. I really feel for you and other mums I have met on the way, who took ages to get to that stage, or the occasional one that never did.
Here are some ideas for you, that will hopefully feel supportive. Take what resonates and leave the rest:
- Try to optimise your feeds the best you can. (In case of an oversupply for example, you may be block feeding, which requires high levels of attention and focus. In case of low supply, you may be triple feeding which is exhausting and requires ALL of you.) Get all the support you can, don’t feel shy to ask for help!
- Acknowledge how hard it is! Talk to everyone who cares to listen, curse, cry and let your emotions flow, to share at least some of the weight of this.
- Notice the progress you HAVE made! If you look back a few weeks, you will probably find that some things are a little bit easier and more manageable. Credit yourself for those small milestones and reward yourself too! Treat yourself to your favourite chocolate bar or luxury coffee, that nice bra or top, a takeaway or a lovely day out. Whatever you fancy within your means.
Here is a tonne of love and acknowledgement from me, going your way. Be gentle with yourself. I see you and here to support you in any way I can.
