Keep your offspring close

I want to talk to you about the importance of keeping your offspring close. 

When you’re pregnant, your body naturally creates a ‘cocoon’ around your foetus. Embracing, nurturing, holding it close. Feeding it around the clock. Keeping it safe. Regulating it. Your pregnancy hormones facilitate this protective environment for the duration of 9 months or so.When a baby is born, they are not nearly fully developed. They’re helpless (we’re a carry species, as opposed to a cache species), rely on us completely and expect to be on our bodies (mother or primary carer) as ‘the mother’s body is a baby’s natural habitat‘ (Nils Bergman).

[Sarah Ockwell-Smith has written a great little piece about the 4th trimester, which is well worth reading.]

Nils Bergman dedicated his whole career (and continues to do so) to kangaroo baby care.What he’s proposing is that we’re getting it all wrong in the Western world, separating our babies from their mothers. Instead, trusting gadgets, machines and ‘professionals’ more than our own bodies to regulate, nurture and connect with our newborn babies.

He’s advocating ZERO SEPARATION, regardless of gestational age or the condition of the baby. Treatments take place while baby is attached to mother’s body, if necessary. Dr Bergman has carried out extensive research to prove his point successfully and a leading Swedish hospital has pioneered in implementing his methods in a state of the art hospital. KMC (kangaroo mother care) has been used around the world in less well resourced settings too, with great results.

James McKenna has worked with mother and baby pairs in his Notre Dame sleep laboratory, most of his career, and has coined the wonderful term ‘breast sleeping’.He argues that mothers and babies are one unit, and breastfeeding and co-sleeping are inseparable pieces of the jigsaw when it comes to babies being nurtured, securely attached, developing well and being physically regulated and protected by their caregiver (hopefully the mother).Breastfeeding rates can increase significantly when mother-baby dyads are spending 24 hrs together, mother responding to baby’s needs without delay, as much of the time as possible.

All attachment theories, starting with Bowlby, Ainsworth, Konrad Lorenz and their followers, up until today’s leading neuro scientists, including Daniel Siegel, emphasize the immense importance of staying close and tuning into our children, watching them closely, basing our relationships with them on connection, while working on our own past history and triggers, to become the best version of ourselves we can be.Gabor Mate, world famous best selling author, trauma specialist and medical doctor, in his co-authired book ‘Hold Onto Your Kids’ brings many compelling arguments for parents being the primary influence on their children throughout their childhood, delaying and restricting outside (peer) influence for as long as possible.

What am I trying to say?

NOT that we need to drop everything and sacrifice our bodies, minds and sanity on the altar of our children’s wellbeing (this would be a contradiction in terms anyway).

NOT that we need to become martyrs and give up our careers, hobbies and interests and velcro ourselves to our children until they become 18 and go off to university.

NOT that we have some sort of duty to be perfect and 100% devoted to our children while neglecting ourselves and all other relationships.

Quite the contrary. When we decided to bring humans into this world, we weren’t given a user’s manual. We all, however, have somewhere deep inside, a parenting instinct, intuition, which is our most important tool and companion through this journey of becoming parents.I would be cautious of any ‘experts’ who offer a one size fits all manual, recipe, guide book at ANY stage of this journey.I would encourage you to go with an approach, a guide, a supporter who facilitates and nurtures your inner wisdom and intuition, who encourages you to invest time and emotional resources into discovering yourself in this new incarnation of a parent.

Embrace yourself with all your shortcomings (none if us is perfect!).

Give yourself time.

Your baby or child needs YOU, in all your imperfection, and if you follow THEIR lead, you can never go far wrong.